LOST

many of you have lost a loved pet......i have lost many, and its always sad and heartbreaking to lose them. but last week i had to do the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. i had to say goodbye to my best friend.......people say that their pets are their best friends, but do you really mean it? i had to put down my beloved english mastiff of 9 years........he was 12 years old when we put him to rest........my husband adopted him for me as an engagement gift the year before we got married. i had always wanted an english mastiff.....and now, i don't think i will ever have another one.

what dozer did was not only take up room in my heart, but he also touched my soul, and i feel lost without him. he was always there for me, no matter what mood i was in, he always knew how to make me smile. he would cry with me, and laugh with me. he was amazing to the kids, and he stole my husbands heart as well. that big clumsy brat became my second son.........and he had me pegged for the sucker i am. he knew how to work me and get what he wanted.....lol.

being a stay at home wife/mother and not having many friends made me spend every day with him......and even when he would kick me out of my chair, or steal my lunch.....i didn't ever mind too much, because he was just so damn cute.

he and i both knew that the time was growing near.......he wouldn't want me to leave his side, and i didn't spend much time apart from him. he didn't eve complain when i cuddled up with him and put my arm around him.....which he usually did because he didn't like sharing his sofa with anyone! lol.

just about every memory for the past 9 years, had my best friend in them. he was always there.....in some form or another. the kids don't remember a life without him......and now he is gone........

i didn't have enough courage to go down to the vet with him, so i was the last person he saw......i had my husband do that part.........i just couldn't bring myself to do it......now, i regret it with each moment.......i should have been there in his last moments.....i should have been strong for him......like he always was for me.........how stupid i was to think it was going to be too hard on me to do one last thing for him.

now, i have been without him for 4 days.....and i am lost......i haven't smiled, i haven't stopped crying, i haven't even begun to get over him.........all i can do is miss him and grieve.......he should be here, right next to me, snoring because its nap time........and he isn't......he never will be again.......and nothing will ever be the same again........not without him........

he will never know how important he was to me........how much i loved him.......

it is like losing a child........i don't think i will ever get over it.

he should be coming back home to me this week sometime.......in a box.......how can someone so wonderful and loving and amazing just be put in a box? i will never be able to hold him, touch him, or play with his ears ever again.......just look at the box and hope he is happy and having fun where ever he is.......

one day, we will be together again......his ashes will be mixed in with mine.......until then...........i guess the box is where he will stay.........