yup.........the lake sounds pretty good..........fishing, sitting by a campfire at night.......smores, roasted marshmallows, and hot dogs........and cuddling up next to kenny at night!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i really don't know
I'm sitting here at home.......the cats getting upset with me because they haven't been fed their dinner yet. kenny is on xbox live with mike. the kids are at my mothers house.
i haven't been very much interested in anything lately. a few months ago my best friend nannette passed away suddenly. i wasn't ready for it. i was going to go see her and spend time with her the next day when i found out she passed away from an aneurysm. still to this day, i can't believe she is gone.......i still find myself trying to call her......trying to go over to visit her. i still cry when i think of her. i will never be able to hug her, to laugh with her, to enjoy her stories, to roll my eyes at her when she spoils my kids and points at me and tells me to hush, it's her house and "those babies need that".....i still find myself cooking a big enough meal just so i can take some food to her. i still watch over her house thinking that maybe she will come outside one day to check her mail. or call me at 3:00 in the morning! or even to call me to tell me dozer had come to visit her that day. i'll never hear her tell someone on the phone that "oh, ivy is here, and we are just sitting around gossiping about people who aren't here to defend themselves." i miss how she always hated her hair long, and complained when she didn't have it permed. or how much she misses her brother buck. or keep me posted about how her family is doing. and what hurts most of all, is that this was the year, i decided to put the kids in a closer school, so i could spend more time with my dear friend, and we were gonna have coffee in the mornings and do laundry together, and watch tv together or listen to old time country music and tell stories on why that song was important to us. or the current news. never again will i have that. and i don't think i will ever have such a great friend like that again.
at times, it seemed like she was the only person who could understand me, and knew what i was going through. she had so many stories..........and i find myself gaining more and more stories that i would usually share with her..........that i just keep bottled up inside of me. who am i gonna share them with now? who is gonna laugh at me when i admit to doing something totally stupid. who is gonna be there for me now? she is gone..........she left without a goodbye, i love you.......nothing. i always told her i loved her and i would see her again very soon..........but that didn't happen. i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to tell her how important she was to me...........i didn't get to tell her that she was one of the most important people in my life, and that without her.........i'm lost.
i can't believe she is gone..........i know she is happy where she is......i know she is chasing those boys around, and dancing and having a blast again............i know she is safe and well taken care of. but i am here, and i'm hurting every day she is gone.......i am lost. i am empty and sad.....i'm not in pain because she passed away i am in pain because i lost someone so special and beautiful so quickly that i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go, i don't know how to carry on.
i know i have kenny.........and he is a wonderful and brilliant man who takes care of me beyond belief.......and i have my three darling children who i swear are gonna make me crazy one day! lol.......and my family life is beyond beautiful and perfect.......i love my husband and my children very much......but loosing nannette was like loosing a big part of me. i feel like half of me is dead.........and i can't get it back.
she was the one that was always there for me when i needed her. she was like my mother and grandmother and best friend and sister all rolled into one. i've never been that close to anyone before. she was the only one who accepted me for me......and didn't care what i did.....she knew that everyone has to live their own lives, and she knew that life is a journey and you learn from your twists and turns, and from that came great experiences and stories. she was perfect.
i will never forget her. i will always miss her. i will always love her.
i just want to know when does the pain stop? when can i think about her and not cry? when can i look at her house and not see her waving at me?
for those of you who never met her.............you will never understand........you missed out on the most wonderful woman ever lived. for those of you that i took over there to meet her, you know how important she is to me........she loved everyone. always worried about everyone. she even worried about my mom and brothers and sisters, whom she never met.
nannette............i love you. and miss you. you should see the kids now..........they are getting so big, and growing up so fast. though i don't know if allen is gonna make it to be a teenager, he doesn't have you here to protect him.......he sure likes to try my patience! lol. and kenny misses you as well. he was so honored to be your paul bearer, he cried for almost two hours when he found out. and he says that he is sorry he didn't come over more so you could stare at his butt! lol.......he loved you very much too.
what am i going to do without you??? i'm so lost and always so sad. it has been so long........so very long that i have actually smiled and felt it inside my heart. i put on a big front.......but, my heart just isn't in it anymore. girl, i've been through a lot........so many horrible and tragic things have happened in my life, and i always managed to survive and find the light at the end..........but damn it, you nannette rose wilson........you found a way to break me.........and i love you for that..........but i am getting weary......and sometimes, especially now, i just want to stop crying and be joyous because you are in such a beautiful place right now, i should be happy because you are with our lord who can take care of you more than anyone can imagine........but i just can't find that light just yet......i can't find my way...............
i love you..........
i haven't been very much interested in anything lately. a few months ago my best friend nannette passed away suddenly. i wasn't ready for it. i was going to go see her and spend time with her the next day when i found out she passed away from an aneurysm. still to this day, i can't believe she is gone.......i still find myself trying to call her......trying to go over to visit her. i still cry when i think of her. i will never be able to hug her, to laugh with her, to enjoy her stories, to roll my eyes at her when she spoils my kids and points at me and tells me to hush, it's her house and "those babies need that".....i still find myself cooking a big enough meal just so i can take some food to her. i still watch over her house thinking that maybe she will come outside one day to check her mail. or call me at 3:00 in the morning! or even to call me to tell me dozer had come to visit her that day. i'll never hear her tell someone on the phone that "oh, ivy is here, and we are just sitting around gossiping about people who aren't here to defend themselves." i miss how she always hated her hair long, and complained when she didn't have it permed. or how much she misses her brother buck. or keep me posted about how her family is doing. and what hurts most of all, is that this was the year, i decided to put the kids in a closer school, so i could spend more time with my dear friend, and we were gonna have coffee in the mornings and do laundry together, and watch tv together or listen to old time country music and tell stories on why that song was important to us. or the current news. never again will i have that. and i don't think i will ever have such a great friend like that again.
at times, it seemed like she was the only person who could understand me, and knew what i was going through. she had so many stories..........and i find myself gaining more and more stories that i would usually share with her..........that i just keep bottled up inside of me. who am i gonna share them with now? who is gonna laugh at me when i admit to doing something totally stupid. who is gonna be there for me now? she is gone..........she left without a goodbye, i love you.......nothing. i always told her i loved her and i would see her again very soon..........but that didn't happen. i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to tell her how important she was to me...........i didn't get to tell her that she was one of the most important people in my life, and that without her.........i'm lost.
i can't believe she is gone..........i know she is happy where she is......i know she is chasing those boys around, and dancing and having a blast again............i know she is safe and well taken care of. but i am here, and i'm hurting every day she is gone.......i am lost. i am empty and sad.....i'm not in pain because she passed away i am in pain because i lost someone so special and beautiful so quickly that i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go, i don't know how to carry on.
i know i have kenny.........and he is a wonderful and brilliant man who takes care of me beyond belief.......and i have my three darling children who i swear are gonna make me crazy one day! lol.......and my family life is beyond beautiful and perfect.......i love my husband and my children very much......but loosing nannette was like loosing a big part of me. i feel like half of me is dead.........and i can't get it back.
she was the one that was always there for me when i needed her. she was like my mother and grandmother and best friend and sister all rolled into one. i've never been that close to anyone before. she was the only one who accepted me for me......and didn't care what i did.....she knew that everyone has to live their own lives, and she knew that life is a journey and you learn from your twists and turns, and from that came great experiences and stories. she was perfect.
i will never forget her. i will always miss her. i will always love her.
i just want to know when does the pain stop? when can i think about her and not cry? when can i look at her house and not see her waving at me?
for those of you who never met her.............you will never understand........you missed out on the most wonderful woman ever lived. for those of you that i took over there to meet her, you know how important she is to me........she loved everyone. always worried about everyone. she even worried about my mom and brothers and sisters, whom she never met.
nannette............i love you. and miss you. you should see the kids now..........they are getting so big, and growing up so fast. though i don't know if allen is gonna make it to be a teenager, he doesn't have you here to protect him.......he sure likes to try my patience! lol. and kenny misses you as well. he was so honored to be your paul bearer, he cried for almost two hours when he found out. and he says that he is sorry he didn't come over more so you could stare at his butt! lol.......he loved you very much too.
what am i going to do without you??? i'm so lost and always so sad. it has been so long........so very long that i have actually smiled and felt it inside my heart. i put on a big front.......but, my heart just isn't in it anymore. girl, i've been through a lot........so many horrible and tragic things have happened in my life, and i always managed to survive and find the light at the end..........but damn it, you nannette rose wilson........you found a way to break me.........and i love you for that..........but i am getting weary......and sometimes, especially now, i just want to stop crying and be joyous because you are in such a beautiful place right now, i should be happy because you are with our lord who can take care of you more than anyone can imagine........but i just can't find that light just yet......i can't find my way...............
i love you..........
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