been a while

It has been a while since i have posted anything on here.
life just gets busy.
So we went on our weekend getaway......which was down in southern oklahoma, in broken bow........we left on a snowy friday.......normally it would take only 3 to 3.5 hours to get there from our house, but since it was snowing pretty good, it took us a whopping total of 5.5 hours to get there.......it slow going. but we finally got there right before midnight. we got settled in and soon past out. that next saturday we went for an hour hike in the cold and snow........came back to the cabin for some much needed quality time together for the rest of the weekend. it was amazing!

Big sexy has decided to go back to school to finish his bachelors degree. So we have been so busy and its been hit and miss seeing each other. We are managing though. and we still find time for each other.

so now, i am researching for the family summer vacation. the kids want a cabin in the woods near a lake......i want to go see historical sights, and big sexy wants to go hiking to old mining towns hidden in the arkansas woods.......well, i'm sure i can get that together! lol.

and can you beleive it? there are no decent furniture stores in tulsa? nope.....none at all.......and we refuse to give our money to mathis brothers......and since they seem to own EVERYONE......we will be taking a trip down to dallas to buy a living room set......fun fun.

my eldest daughter will be going to her first robotics competition tomorrow morning......headed with her club without her parents right beside her for the first time ever........she is so excited.....and her teachers going with her and the others are amazing. i hope she has fun......even though i am sad i have to miss this.

anyways......better get back to researching for vacation............

till next time!!!!

random

Last night, i spent some much quality time with big sexy, it was amazing. for those of you who don't know.......big sexy (sometimes i even say bigfoot) is my husband. Anyways, big sexy and i was spending time together in our bedroom, giving the kids free roam of the house. He plugged away at his homework, and i piddled around on the internet. before long, we both got to looking at cabins for a weekend getaway.....and what i thought was funny was our 2 must have criteria, was....

#1. the bed had to be solid.....
and
#2 it had to be secluded.

and of course trailing in third it had to have a kitchen.....cause we will have to eat. lol.

i don't know how you all are with your spouses, but i am very very close to mine, we are best friends, and do everything together, and it would literally kill us to do anything separated from each other besides work.

but the idea of getting away from the house, work, family, stress, the kids, and all that other busy stuff is amazing to us. to be totally wrapped up in each others arms and totally engulfed with the other, is a blissful heavenly weekend trip. we don't need tv...........don't need internet....don't need technology......we just need each other........and then of course, if i get tired of hearing him talk......i will gag his ass......but even then....he is still right beside me....and i am able to absorb him in all ways and breath him in and confirm that we belong together and he is mine.

some may call it an obsession........we call it being addicted to each other. been together 11 years now and we are still hopelessly in love with each other.....

i could only wish such happiness for others........i mean, come on.......how amazing could it be for everyone to be so wrapped up in the other person that they love so deeply that all you can think about all the time is the other person and how fast you can be in the others arms again.......a lot of the bad shit that happens in this world would disappear! if you totally concentrate on your passion, your love? you wouldn't have time for anything else!

big sexy works, i take care of the kiddos........it works out........and then when he is home.....i am constantly having to touch him in some form or another........either my head has to be on him, or my hand has to be touching him........or i rest my foot on his lap.........i cannot have very much distance between us.

i dunno......like the title says........RANDOM......this is just a random thought........and it makes me smile to know that i found a guy that feels the same way about me that i feel about him........and that makes me the luckiest and richest woman ever.........

i love you baby!!!!

parenting

this isn't for the parents who are decent parents, who are a part of their children's lives, who do what they can the best they can for their children to raise them to become decent members of society.......and this is not for the parent's of children who have a disability, or mental illness that is beyond anyone's control.....

this is for the idiot parents.........which i find there are many......

if you are all about yourself, and your child only comes to mind every once in a while...or you think that being your child's friend is more important then being a real parent.......or you are just a complete moron.......yeah, this is for you........

you are helping no one....except yourself....if your child does not hate you half the time.....you are not a parent........you are simply a sperm or egg donor.........

if you think it is more important for your child to get what they want.........you are an idiot. how are they ever going to make it in the real world? the real world is cruel, and it never gives you what you want.......the real world makes you work for what you want and need.......and most of the time.....hard work doesn't always get you those things!

if you allow your child to disrespect you and/or others........why??? what is that teaching your child? NOTHING! i often hear "respect is earned" which as decent adults we all know that is total bullshit.......true honest deep down respect is given......like a soldier......instant respect......a hero.....instant respect.....those people don't have to earn that respect......they automatically have it........your boss.....they automatically have your respect......now...being polite and cordial is learned.......how the fuck do you expect your child to make it anywhere in life without learning this simple lesson??? and if your child doesn't respect you.....that again is your fault......you have failed to teach your child anything..........i have seem punk ass thugs who still respect their mommas........at least they have that going for them......they may not be the best of people......but at least their parent taught them something!!!!  if your child yells, rolls their eyes, or worse to you, your spouse, or grandparents........there is something that YOU have done wrong!

if your child throws a fit because you take their phone away......or their video games.......then you have failed your child........and its time to take all the electronics out of your damn house and go back to basics! how about having at least 2 nights a week where there is no tv, no video games, no phones, no music or media players........and you all sit in the living room and read or play board games??? yeah, trust me......that is the beginning of teaching your child there is more to life then electronics......and it really does help them! and if you can't live without electronics yourself.......you need to do this more than ever!

if you have a young child, and they are already showing signs of being needy and attracted to the opposite sex......and seems to think that, that is all there is to life.......you have failed your child...you failed to show them that the world is an amazing and wonderful place that they can actually be IN the world and contribute to its wonders and abilities, and not just live ON the planet.......you have taught your child that they cannot live without someone else to be there for them. you have taught them that they are not good enough to take the world head on themselves and figure life out alone, and fight and make their own world better, exciting and amazing.....without having someone by their side, or telling them what to do constantly......you have made a follower......and we all know how dangerous those are. you have failed your child. if you yourself still think you need a man/woman and without one, you are incomplete, or cannot survive......or if you still run to your mommy/daddy when things go wrong........you are a complete waste of time and space......you have taught yourself that you cannot make a decision on your own....and you cannot help yourself, and you are teaching your child to be the same damn way!

 i could go on and on........but i am sure you all get the point........stop being a dumbass and start being a parent........you are helping NO ONE........your child needs you to be a parent.....your child needs someone to guide them and help them through their childhood so they have a chance to take the world head one......stop worrying about hurting their feelings, or making them mad or upset.......they will thank you later in life for being a parent......they will NEVER thank you for being a friend........

LOST

many of you have lost a loved pet......i have lost many, and its always sad and heartbreaking to lose them. but last week i had to do the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. i had to say goodbye to my best friend.......people say that their pets are their best friends, but do you really mean it? i had to put down my beloved english mastiff of 9 years........he was 12 years old when we put him to rest........my husband adopted him for me as an engagement gift the year before we got married. i had always wanted an english mastiff.....and now, i don't think i will ever have another one.

what dozer did was not only take up room in my heart, but he also touched my soul, and i feel lost without him. he was always there for me, no matter what mood i was in, he always knew how to make me smile. he would cry with me, and laugh with me. he was amazing to the kids, and he stole my husbands heart as well. that big clumsy brat became my second son.........and he had me pegged for the sucker i am. he knew how to work me and get what he wanted.....lol.

being a stay at home wife/mother and not having many friends made me spend every day with him......and even when he would kick me out of my chair, or steal my lunch.....i didn't ever mind too much, because he was just so damn cute.

he and i both knew that the time was growing near.......he wouldn't want me to leave his side, and i didn't spend much time apart from him. he didn't eve complain when i cuddled up with him and put my arm around him.....which he usually did because he didn't like sharing his sofa with anyone! lol.

just about every memory for the past 9 years, had my best friend in them. he was always there.....in some form or another. the kids don't remember a life without him......and now he is gone........

i didn't have enough courage to go down to the vet with him, so i was the last person he saw......i had my husband do that part.........i just couldn't bring myself to do it......now, i regret it with each moment.......i should have been there in his last moments.....i should have been strong for him......like he always was for me.........how stupid i was to think it was going to be too hard on me to do one last thing for him.

now, i have been without him for 4 days.....and i am lost......i haven't smiled, i haven't stopped crying, i haven't even begun to get over him.........all i can do is miss him and grieve.......he should be here, right next to me, snoring because its nap time........and he isn't......he never will be again.......and nothing will ever be the same again........not without him........

he will never know how important he was to me........how much i loved him.......

it is like losing a child........i don't think i will ever get over it.

he should be coming back home to me this week sometime.......in a box.......how can someone so wonderful and loving and amazing just be put in a box? i will never be able to hold him, touch him, or play with his ears ever again.......just look at the box and hope he is happy and having fun where ever he is.......

one day, we will be together again......his ashes will be mixed in with mine.......until then...........i guess the box is where he will stay.........

I remember you, always

I remember when we were kids, how cute you were, so short, blonde and full of energy.
How you were friends with everyone. How you got along with all types.
Our neighborhood was different, us kids seemed to build our own family within ourselves.
None of our parents were decent, they were abusive, drunks, or druggies.
You're house seemed to be the safe place, the refuge.
I will never forget those times.
I look back and think what we should have done, and what we really shouldn't have done.
from my little brother and i not being able to be on the same football team together,
to
partying a bit too much. It was all good times, times where we didn't have to worry what was going on in our own homes, times we all could sit back and enjoy life just a little bit.
Our crazy ideas....from Winston and Kenny 4-wheelilng on federal land, to your idea of decent girlfriends!
The time where some stranger just walked in our house when my sister and i were home alone and all you boys came running over to "take" care of him and save the day....I remember that day very well.
We were like family, a large group of brothers and sisters.....just trying to make it from day to day.

We are all grown now, everyone left the old neighborhood, only a few still lurk around.
We are all adults with families of our own, and i don't see my children having the same luxuries in friends as we did when we were growing up. It saddens me. They will never fully understand why you are my adopted brother, or why sometimes when i talk about your dad, i too call him dad.
They will never know what it is like to fully depend on your friends, to always in some way keep track of them over the years, and wonder if there is anything you can do to help.

We were once very close, and loved each other like brothers and sisters......only a few cling on to that now. Its very sad if you think about it. from being so important in someone's life growing up, to not knowing each other at all anymore......it is a bleak and dreary thought.

But i know one thing for sure, I am lucky i have you, I am lucky we found each other again, and i for one love you more than you will ever know, and i am so very proud of the man you became. You will always be my brother.......no matter what happens.

I wish we lived closer, to be able to see each other would be amazing. A simple hug would be nice.

Don't ever think that just because i don't call, or keep in touch on a regular basis, that i don't love you or think about you..........i do. i do very much so. I think of you all the time, and brag about you daily. You are after all, my little brother. I just don't want to bother you and seem like a needy little bitch. lol.

You will never know how much you mean to me. But i do hope you understand that you are very important to me and i remember you, and i love you very much.

I hope sometime soon you can meet my family, and i can meet yours.........My daughter is 15 now....getting letters from colleges, has a boyfriend........and she has yet to meet her uncle J.J......i think that is long enough for you to be a ghost.......and we have got to start to make something happen to be able to get together soon. 

Don't ever think you are alone......you aren't. Not in the slightest.

keep in touch little brother, because you my dear, stole my heart long ago, and i'm not letting go now......no matter how much your little short ass kicks and screams.

take care,

i love you...

your crazy sister,

ivy cook

A smile.

I woke up this morning groggy and a bit cranky.....and then his arm fell over me ever so gently, and i felt his face nuzzle into my hair....i was faced the wrong way to see his beautiful face, but I've seen it for years, i know what it looks like and will never forget it.  i could feel his breath on the back of my neck, and what was going to be a crappy morning, started to change......the feeling of dread of having to get up started fading away, the thought of "just another hour of sleep!" started to dissipate.....all because of a simple touch, a touch he probably didn't even know he did, but is just habit now.

after 11 years, habits get formed. and you don't seem to notice the small things that your loved one would do that would make your heart skip a beat. sometimes, we need to be reminded of such things. this is one of those things my baby does every morning. its so hard to have to tear away from each other, when all you want to do is stay in each others arms. i don't know how he does it. he cuddles with me, and then forces himself away from me to get up and go to work to support the family. i can't do it. I would rather stay in his arms day and night. 

little things make the difference.

When he sings to me.....he always knows how to make me melt. and his eyes and voice is enough to have any girl fall in love with him.

when he surprises me by wearing his kilt. mmmm......yeah.......mmmmmm

when he wears his hair down on purpose......and comes to me and leans over me and lets his hair fall in my face, where it tickles my face ever so gently.....that right there.....is bliss.

when he sends me the text messege "miss you" or "love you" he knows how to pull on my heart strings.

some people forget these small little things.......but these are my daily smiles......these are some of the things that keep that spark between us.

after 11 years we are still madly in love with each other. and still love each other dearly even when we are upset at one another. and i love hearing people tell us "you two still act like newly weds" it lets us know that we are doing something right, and we have something very rare and very special.......

some of my smiles........

i love you baby........you are amazing......and i can't live without you!!!!

Life is about the smiles. 

 

What makes you smile?

you

It goes without saying

that you caught my attention

your smile opened a lonely void

it brightened my day

and lightened my heart

the passion of your words

cut through the isolation

and awoke an ambition

i thought was long departed

each dawn i anticipated 

a few simple words

that would lift my spirit

a short lived enchantment

was all it would ever be

to go from a stunning union

and end at a forsaken breach

must have always been our fate

as i am left puzzled

i have only one to blame

i should have never gazed upon your eyes

and listened to your lies. 

i will forever be humbled

and will tread with caution

for i have learned 

that the fire may warm me 

it will also cripple and abandon me. 

 

sometimes these little things speak more than i can express myself.

i honestly forgot about this blog.......

It's been quite a while since i wrote in here. since 2011! yeah, I'd say that is a long time.

i am going to see if i can actually keep up a blog now that i am older and life has gotten a bit slower. we shall see. I'm not very good at keeping things up like this. i don't know why, i love to write stories, but the last one i have started, i have gotten to a point in the story where i don't know where to go, or if i should back up and start again and go at it from a different direction. but, alas, a bdsm story is hard to control. and the damn characters get so demanding! lol. kenny wants me to start again. he loves my stories......but would he enjoy them if they were just normal stories? or is it the brutal sex scenes that he loves so much? who knows. I do love how he is so eager to read the next scene or chapter! lol.

i have all the children in the kitchen tonight. they are old enough that they need to learn how to make whole meals on their own, so i won't worry about them when they get older. so i had hayley and allen make fried potatoes, they cut up the potatoes and onions and are frying them and seasoning them all on their own. the pork chops are in the oven. and brandy has made lime jello with mandarin oranges, and is now working on banana pudding........

hubby is playing video games. sometimes i get jealous that he gets so much freedom after work, to just as he pleases......but then i remember he is the one who works and makes the money and takes awesome care of us........though.....it would be nice to have a break of my own every once in a while! lol. i guess i will get that after the kids move out! lol. the kids are so time consuming! lol. but i love it.......they are damn good kids!

anyways, i will leave for now.......must go check on kiddos.......hopefully later i will have something to actually write about!

lost in the animal world.....

 early 2011

it wasn't until my dearest friend Ty messaged me on facebook did i realize that i was staring at the screen for about 20 minutes. he asked me what i was doing and i realized that i had been spacing out quite a bit this week....and my brain has been trying to tell me its on overload and needs a break.....it cannot answer the questions i have floating in my head and keeping me awake at night, and its tired.

but i can't help but constantly dwell over and over these thoughts.....and there is no answer....there is no mathematical formula to fix what is going on. there is no trick.....this is keeping me awake at night! well, that and quitting smoking.....

as you all have known, i used to be a zookeeper so to speak for over 10 years........I've worked at the SPCA, the Tulsa zoo, and safaris sanctuary in broken arrow. I've worked with all sorts of animals...and lots of different types of people. and i don't care who you are........you do not know the animals world until you have been knee deep into it for several years. people like us.....we have fur and scales running through our veins!

and you develop strong bonds with people. bonds that never really break, even if you take a two or three year break......they are always there. and you develop certain qualities and your character changes. which way and how they change is up to you and how you perceive things.

i am not going to bore you on how i changed to what and who i am today....(see, people like us, we consider ourselves two parts.....part of us is still human, but the other part has grown on its own and is morphed into something else....hence the "what" part) most of you know me anyway.......lol.

i am having such a problem writing this because my brain isn't staying on track........i feel like i have adhd......lol........and i am so troubled that i am not able to think strait....

many years ago, i met Kurt......many of you know of Kurt....not many have actually met the man that i fell in love with so long ago......i trained him up at safaris, and tormented him at the same time. we had some amazing times......some wonderfully fun times! that was a long time ago though. over two years ago....after Pete was attacked by the liger and died later from the damages, i disappeared the animal world.....left, didn't look back, and slowly found a life outside of the life i had built up and known and loved for so long. only keeping in touch with Johnathan and Ty.

well, a few months ago, i get a phone call from Kim, telling me that i needed to get in touch with Kurt, and that was a message she left me on voice mail! and it took me oh, 4 or 5 days to decide to call her back and talk to her....and another 2 days to get in contact with Kurt.

so, just to let you know.......i am NOT in the animals world. i have friends again who are.....and i tend to be in the loop of things now, but, i still keep my distance, and will continue to keep my distance until i deem otherwise, because let me tell you......the OKLAHOMA animal world is messed up.....and it may be because of one person.....but still, that one person is enough to ruin everything for everybody!!!!

am i missing something here?

 sometime in 2011

I've been involved in many things and with many groups. in my short 30 years i have done quite a variety of different things. But, people who refuse to listen and learn still amaze me!

I've been deep in the PTA for years, organizing and planning and leading. Even through all the drama that goes with it. All those moms thinking they are better then everyone else, and their kids are the perfect gems......i bit my tongue and just smiled.

I was freaking neck deep in the animal world.....i worked with exotics and domestics. I've made people cry and jump over 12 foot fences to get away from me. I've made some lifelong friends furry and human.

you know i could go on and on and on.....but most of you know me any how........and why should i go down the long list of things I've done......right? why waste my time! lol

so when i come across something that i don't quite agree with, all of you know that i am going to voice my opinion.......and some of you will agree with me......but its very common for most of you to argue with me......and that is okay with me, everyone has a right to voice their opinions, and i love that....especially when you can stand up for what you believe in......because i do that every day! i think its great!

what i have a problem with is the spoiled brats out there that cannot handle someone thinking differently then they do.....the people who think the world is a great and wonderful place, and they want everyone to be as happy and sickening as they are......well, guess what........not everyone has to think the same way you do.....and in the real world, not everyone is nice, and sweet! i am far from that........and i tell everyone that every day.....but no one listens. "oh ivy, you are funny" " oh, ivy you are sweet" and on and on and on and on......."oh, ivy you should join us" and what do i tell all of you who have said things like that to me??? hmmm??? yup...."you don't know who i am" and you think I'm being cute!  I'm not.....I'm warning you!!!!!

forgotten people

this dear small child died around the age of 8. he was found in a small cemetery in Oklahoma. the cemetery is full of small children just like him, and very few adults. i can only imagine how horrible of a time it was back then to have so many children fall to illness. how very sad. but dear Thomas, it is now over 100 years since you took your last breath on earth, but know that there are still some people who think about you and hope you found peace from such a short life.

there really are people that are beyond stupid!

My little brother turned ummm, i'm 30, so he must be....28?? anyway his birthday was yesterday. and if any of you know us, know that we had a very rough childhood, we had a very abusive father (though we don't call him that....we call him the sperm donor) and it took us years to get over all the abuse he put us through. well, he showed up to my little brother work on his birthday, which totally ruined my brothers day. and come to find out the sperm donors step child (who must be 18-19 years old now) told him where my brother is working. anyway, it really pissed me off. who gives her the right to be so devious and deceitful to tell the sperm donor where any of us work or live....(i however have refused to talk to any of them for many years now)

any way i email her to tell her how wrong that was of her and that she and her family should leave me and my family alone. that we don't want anything to do with them, especially the sperm donor. well, she had turned into the sperm donor over the years, and decided to start making fun of me and my family, and saying that it was funny how they ruined my brothers birthday, and so on and so on. starting saying lies about my husband and on and on and on.....same things the sperm donor would do. you know the drill, calling me fat, saying that my husband is an abuser, and on and on and on....you know how these things can get. so, i finally stopped laughing at her (cause you know it pisses people off more when you laugh at them and not get pissed off at what they say) so i started to ignore her.....yet, i did not know what a persistent little shit she was....so, i took a deep breath and decided that the only way to get her to shut up was to let her know that i'm the one in control, and she was not........

so........this is what i wrote her........(i will not post what she wrote me, it was just stupidity at its best anyway, and i don't want your IQ to go down points just because you had to read her jabber!)



jennifer

it amazes me that all you slum people think you are so much better than every one else. but, when you look at yourself in the mirror, or are totally honest with yourself, you know what a pathetic hard life you lead. that you have made really bad decisions and you don't like where you are headed and what you have done.

to hate someone so much and to make fun of someone in such a fashion as you have, it just proves to everyone else that you are in fact the jealous one. that you know that i am where you will never be and it angers you.

i can see why you are so angry and so jealous of me. but i am just me, and i have worked hard for where i am in life and what i have.

you are upset that your mother went from one abuser to another, and we know this is true, because DHS took all you kids away from them...a smart mother would have dumped the abuser and focused on their children, and not the man in their life. and you know you are going down the same path.

calling someone fat is your way of dealing with your own physical deformation. you have heard it all your life, and you know how much it hurts you, so you think that it may hurt someone else. which in this case, it doesn't, so it angers you even more.

to try and hurt someone by name calling only proves to show that you are in fact an uneducated, narcissistic, gluttonous, oppressor. which you have obviously deemed to be good qualities in life.

to make fun of people being "gay" in fact is a shortcoming on your part, which in fact that you are afraid of who you really are and have "gay" qualities yourself.

to speak of lies, which you have many times, especially about my husband, usually is a sign of you pulling at strings to stir the pot, which in this case has had no effect on me. i know who my husband is, and therefore your lies you speak of never has happened and do not bother me because they never existed.

this only concludes to what we already know, you know kenneth abused you and your mom and sisters, and you hate the fact that he continues still today, even if it is only mentally. and you are envious of me and my siblings and my mother because we were the smart ones to rise above it, and move on with our lives, and you see all of us happy and doing so well for ourselves, that it makes you see red with anger. which i can understand. sometimes life isn't fair. but intelligent people are able to be strong enough to move on, to learn from their past and become stronger and greater. and that is what my brother, my sister and i have done. and we don't need nor want that in our lives again and we are strong enough to voice that! and you cannot because you are stuck and scared.

and you continuing to say things about incest and doing sexual things to parental figures, i have only one thing to ask, were you sexually molested? because you are obsessed with that vision. and perhaps you may need some professional help. if in fact you were, you really should consider help, a lot of the time, the victim becomes the abuser and you have at least one child that i know of, and if would be sad to know that you were harming your own child. with as much anger you have inside of you, you should really seek professional help, before someone gets hurt.

my brothers wedding

as i was driving to this mansion, listening to the GPS and the kids play..fight...what ever you want to call it! lol.....i realized that this was going to be the first wedding i've gone to without my husband. Kenny and i usually do everything together....most of the time, i'm not complete unless he is next to me! i just feel lost!

but, we pulled up to this beautiful small little mansion, and it was very stunning. it really belongs on acres of manicured land, but its a historical site, so its unfortunately stuck where it lies. but we go inside, and kathy meets the kids at the bottom of the stairs, and directs us to the bridal quarters. (we were a few hours early! i know shocking huh? lol) we chat with mom for a bit, and i decided that it really wasn't the place for Allen, he may be a boy, but i don't need him to be watching girls dress and undress and fix their "war paint" and what not! so we head upstairs to the main part of the building, and meet Greg, who was surprisingly nice to me! (Jennifer wasn't there! lol) i see Kenny who was a total nervous wreck, he couldn't sit still, always moving, always mumbling to himself......it was so cute. so Greg and i go out for a smoke, and he shows me pics of Jennifer's granddaughter, i know, i really didn't care, but i was being nice and letting him show off this baby that a child had given birth to, with a smile on my face even!

we let the kids play around, and for about an hour we just kinda all hung out and enjoyed each others company. bouncing from Kenny to Greg while letting the kids roam around to explore such a pretty place!

and then, my knights in shinning shoes, and curly hair showed up from okc.....oh thank god..........i feel so at home with my Oklahoma city family, they actually let me be myself and don't mind who i am! and yes, i was wearing my brown shorts and a nice top....but they had brought this beautiful black and white dress down for me to wear, and it was so pretty i actually wanted to wear it! lol.......i know odd huh? so i just changed right there in the parking lot! lol.......yup, I'll admit it.......I'm a hillbilly from Turley! lol

when i am with my okc family, i just have fun and enjoy myself and never worry about time or anything, so the next thing i realize, is i'm out front with Darla, smoking, and my grandpa comes up behind me......i usually always try and respect him and not smoke in front of him.......Darla laughed at me, and i visited with my grandparents a bit, and took a pic of them in front of a flower bed.

anyway, soon, the wedding kinda begins, well, it was supposed to start at 7, so we were all seated and waiting, i was bouncing between my "family" and my grandparents, trying to conceal by cleavage sticking out of my dress! and yes, Donna, and Darla, got quite the kick out of that! lol....

and the wedding party finally started showing up, ahhh, finally! lol....mom asked me to get her comfy shoes cause she was tired of the ones she was wearing......so.....i rush downstairs and see her tennis shoes.........to me....comfy shoes are tennis shoes! so i grabbed them, ran back upstairs, ignored the fact that the wedding party was all lined up to enter the room and begin the ceremony, and rushed over to mom......she was horrified...."not those! the black ones!" ummm okay mom where are those? she rolled her eyes a bit, and tells me nevermind and to get out of the way.......huh??? and i look behind me and they are all waiting for me to get out of the way! oh duh! lol...so i back off to the side, and wait for them to do their little walk down the isle, and as soon as the bride walks down the isle, i rush back downstairs and grab the right shoes, (i mean really, how many shoes do you need at a wedding? lol) i rush back upstairs and lay them in front of mom, who is the photographer so she is standing and taking pics, and she slides them on and i strap them on her feet, yup, on my knees in a dress! lol....so not to get in her way of taking photos i crawl over to my seat! lol......

they say "i do" and kiss, and off to lord knows where! mom rushes me and the kids into the kitchen, where she tells me to go get one of the boys........so i go get Greg and he tells me it will be a minute, "okay, mom, what do you need" i guess she thought since i was in a dress i wouldn't want to pick up heavy stuff and arrange it out of the way and crap.........come on.........i just crawled on my knees to my chair in a dress.........why not life heavy things too? i'm not your typical girl........so i did that, and had the kids set up the food, and blah blah blah.......

my kids were the first ones to grab a plate and eat.....yup, that's my kids! if you say food, you better make them a clear path! lol. my grandparents sat by the kids and kept them company which was nice. and i stood and snacked a bit....

it was a nice wedding. i loved spending time with my grandparents, and my okc family! and even Greg and i got along great, though i think Kathy had a stoke noticing we didn't fight! lol...

Kenny (my husband) made it to the reception after he was done with class, which he tells me as he walked in the door, he didn't know anyone, looked around, saw my aunt darla, and headed strait for her.....and really enjoyed the short time he got to spend with omar. kenny just loves my uncle omar!

we had to leave around 10pm because it was a school night being a Monday......but maria told me to keep her dress, which was nice, now i have a dress to wear when i need it! and it is really pretty! i love it.

and my mom was just stunning! her dress was beautiful and she looked so happy! i even got some pics of her admiring her son! they are really cool pics. you could tell she was just beaming with pride and joy!

it was great seeing a lot of people i hadn't seen in forever, and seen how much they've grown up!

all in all....kenny had a very nice cute little wedding!

wish i was at the lake

yup.........the lake sounds pretty good..........fishing, sitting by a campfire at night.......smores, roasted marshmallows, and hot dogs........and cuddling up next to kenny at night!

i really don't know

I'm sitting here at home.......the cats getting upset with me because they haven't been fed their dinner yet. kenny is on xbox live with mike. the kids are at my mothers house.

i haven't been very much interested in anything lately. a few months ago my best friend nannette passed away suddenly. i wasn't ready for it. i was going to go see her and spend time with her the next day when i found out she passed away from an aneurysm. still to this day, i can't believe she is gone.......i still find myself trying to call her......trying to go over to visit her. i still cry when i think of her. i will never be able to hug her, to laugh with her, to enjoy her stories, to roll my eyes at her when she spoils my kids and points at me and tells me to hush, it's her house and "those babies need that".....i still find myself cooking a big enough meal just so i can take some food to her. i still watch over her house thinking that maybe she will come outside one day to check her mail. or call me at 3:00 in the morning! or even to call me to tell me dozer had come to visit her that day. i'll never hear her tell someone on the phone that "oh, ivy is here, and we are just sitting around gossiping about people who aren't here to defend themselves." i miss how she always hated her hair long, and complained when she didn't have it permed. or how much she misses her brother buck. or keep me posted about how her family is doing. and what hurts most of all, is that this was the year, i decided to put the kids in a closer school, so i could spend more time with my dear friend, and we were gonna have coffee in the mornings and do laundry together, and watch tv together or listen to old time country music and tell stories on why that song was important to us. or the current news. never again will i have that. and i don't think i will ever have such a great friend like that again.

at times, it seemed like she was the only person who could understand me, and knew what i was going through. she had so many stories..........and i find myself gaining more and more stories that i would usually share with her..........that i just keep bottled up inside of me. who am i gonna share them with now? who is gonna laugh at me when i admit to doing something totally stupid. who is gonna be there for me now? she is gone..........she left without a goodbye, i love you.......nothing. i always told her i loved her and i would see her again very soon..........but that didn't happen. i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to tell her how important she was to me...........i didn't get to tell her that she was one of the most important people in my life, and that without her.........i'm lost.

i can't believe she is gone..........i know she is happy where she is......i know she is chasing those boys around, and dancing and having a blast again............i know she is safe and well taken care of. but i am here, and i'm hurting every day she is gone.......i am lost. i am empty and sad.....i'm not in pain because she passed away i am in pain because i lost someone so special and beautiful so quickly that i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go, i don't know how to carry on.

i know i have kenny.........and he is a wonderful and brilliant man who takes care of me beyond belief.......and i have my three darling children who i swear are gonna make me crazy one day! lol.......and my family life is beyond beautiful and perfect.......i love my husband and my children very much......but loosing nannette was like loosing a big part of me. i feel like half of me is dead.........and i can't get it back.

she was the one that was always there for me when i needed her. she was like my mother and grandmother and best friend and sister all rolled into one. i've never been that close to anyone before. she was the only one who accepted me for me......and didn't care what i did.....she knew that everyone has to live their own lives, and she knew that life is a journey and you learn from your twists and turns, and from that came great experiences and stories. she was perfect.

i will never forget her. i will always miss her. i will always love her.

i just want to know when does the pain stop? when can i think about her and not cry? when can i look at her house and not see her waving at me?

for those of you who never met her.............you will never understand........you missed out on the most wonderful woman ever lived. for those of you that i took over there to meet her, you know how important she is to me........she loved everyone. always worried about everyone. she even worried about my mom and brothers and sisters, whom she never met.


nannette............i love you. and miss you. you should see the kids now..........they are getting so big, and growing up so fast. though i don't know if allen is gonna make it to be a teenager, he doesn't have you here to protect him.......he sure likes to try my patience! lol. and kenny misses you as well. he was so honored to be your paul bearer, he cried for almost two hours when he found out. and he says that he is sorry he didn't come over more so you could stare at his butt! lol.......he loved you very much too.

what am i going to do without you??? i'm so lost and always so sad. it has been so long........so very long that i have actually smiled and felt it inside my heart. i put on a big front.......but, my heart just isn't in it anymore. girl, i've been through a lot........so many horrible and tragic things have happened in my life, and i always managed to survive and find the light at the end..........but damn it, you nannette rose wilson........you found a way to break me.........and i love you for that..........but i am getting weary......and sometimes, especially now, i just want to stop crying and be joyous because you are in such a beautiful place right now, i should be happy because you are with our lord who can take care of you more than anyone can imagine........but i just can't find that light just yet......i can't find my way...............


i love you..........

first blog

where do i start?

i live in turley, ok........its north of tulsa, ok.......near sperry, ok. its a quiet little town, not much happens, and not many people live in it. my neighborhood mainly consists of truckers, bikers, and elderly people. its quiet and small, and the neighbors actually talk to each other. and watch out for one another, and help each other out!

i don't know what i am really going to do with this blog.......but i'm sure i'll figure it out.

anyway. with whatever i do with it, i'm sure it will entertain some of you......and if it doesn't, oh well!

thanks
ivy