you

It goes without saying

that you caught my attention

your smile opened a lonely void

it brightened my day

and lightened my heart

the passion of your words

cut through the isolation

and awoke an ambition

i thought was long departed

each dawn i anticipated 

a few simple words

that would lift my spirit

a short lived enchantment

was all it would ever be

to go from a stunning union

and end at a forsaken breach

must have always been our fate

as i am left puzzled

i have only one to blame

i should have never gazed upon your eyes

and listened to your lies. 

i will forever be humbled

and will tread with caution

for i have learned 

that the fire may warm me 

it will also cripple and abandon me. 

 

sometimes these little things speak more than i can express myself.

i honestly forgot about this blog.......

It's been quite a while since i wrote in here. since 2011! yeah, I'd say that is a long time.

i am going to see if i can actually keep up a blog now that i am older and life has gotten a bit slower. we shall see. I'm not very good at keeping things up like this. i don't know why, i love to write stories, but the last one i have started, i have gotten to a point in the story where i don't know where to go, or if i should back up and start again and go at it from a different direction. but, alas, a bdsm story is hard to control. and the damn characters get so demanding! lol. kenny wants me to start again. he loves my stories......but would he enjoy them if they were just normal stories? or is it the brutal sex scenes that he loves so much? who knows. I do love how he is so eager to read the next scene or chapter! lol.

i have all the children in the kitchen tonight. they are old enough that they need to learn how to make whole meals on their own, so i won't worry about them when they get older. so i had hayley and allen make fried potatoes, they cut up the potatoes and onions and are frying them and seasoning them all on their own. the pork chops are in the oven. and brandy has made lime jello with mandarin oranges, and is now working on banana pudding........

hubby is playing video games. sometimes i get jealous that he gets so much freedom after work, to just as he pleases......but then i remember he is the one who works and makes the money and takes awesome care of us........though.....it would be nice to have a break of my own every once in a while! lol. i guess i will get that after the kids move out! lol. the kids are so time consuming! lol. but i love it.......they are damn good kids!

anyways, i will leave for now.......must go check on kiddos.......hopefully later i will have something to actually write about!

lost in the animal world.....

 early 2011

it wasn't until my dearest friend Ty messaged me on facebook did i realize that i was staring at the screen for about 20 minutes. he asked me what i was doing and i realized that i had been spacing out quite a bit this week....and my brain has been trying to tell me its on overload and needs a break.....it cannot answer the questions i have floating in my head and keeping me awake at night, and its tired.

but i can't help but constantly dwell over and over these thoughts.....and there is no answer....there is no mathematical formula to fix what is going on. there is no trick.....this is keeping me awake at night! well, that and quitting smoking.....

as you all have known, i used to be a zookeeper so to speak for over 10 years........I've worked at the SPCA, the Tulsa zoo, and safaris sanctuary in broken arrow. I've worked with all sorts of animals...and lots of different types of people. and i don't care who you are........you do not know the animals world until you have been knee deep into it for several years. people like us.....we have fur and scales running through our veins!

and you develop strong bonds with people. bonds that never really break, even if you take a two or three year break......they are always there. and you develop certain qualities and your character changes. which way and how they change is up to you and how you perceive things.

i am not going to bore you on how i changed to what and who i am today....(see, people like us, we consider ourselves two parts.....part of us is still human, but the other part has grown on its own and is morphed into something else....hence the "what" part) most of you know me anyway.......lol.

i am having such a problem writing this because my brain isn't staying on track........i feel like i have adhd......lol........and i am so troubled that i am not able to think strait....

many years ago, i met Kurt......many of you know of Kurt....not many have actually met the man that i fell in love with so long ago......i trained him up at safaris, and tormented him at the same time. we had some amazing times......some wonderfully fun times! that was a long time ago though. over two years ago....after Pete was attacked by the liger and died later from the damages, i disappeared the animal world.....left, didn't look back, and slowly found a life outside of the life i had built up and known and loved for so long. only keeping in touch with Johnathan and Ty.

well, a few months ago, i get a phone call from Kim, telling me that i needed to get in touch with Kurt, and that was a message she left me on voice mail! and it took me oh, 4 or 5 days to decide to call her back and talk to her....and another 2 days to get in contact with Kurt.

so, just to let you know.......i am NOT in the animals world. i have friends again who are.....and i tend to be in the loop of things now, but, i still keep my distance, and will continue to keep my distance until i deem otherwise, because let me tell you......the OKLAHOMA animal world is messed up.....and it may be because of one person.....but still, that one person is enough to ruin everything for everybody!!!!

am i missing something here?

 sometime in 2011

I've been involved in many things and with many groups. in my short 30 years i have done quite a variety of different things. But, people who refuse to listen and learn still amaze me!

I've been deep in the PTA for years, organizing and planning and leading. Even through all the drama that goes with it. All those moms thinking they are better then everyone else, and their kids are the perfect gems......i bit my tongue and just smiled.

I was freaking neck deep in the animal world.....i worked with exotics and domestics. I've made people cry and jump over 12 foot fences to get away from me. I've made some lifelong friends furry and human.

you know i could go on and on and on.....but most of you know me any how........and why should i go down the long list of things I've done......right? why waste my time! lol

so when i come across something that i don't quite agree with, all of you know that i am going to voice my opinion.......and some of you will agree with me......but its very common for most of you to argue with me......and that is okay with me, everyone has a right to voice their opinions, and i love that....especially when you can stand up for what you believe in......because i do that every day! i think its great!

what i have a problem with is the spoiled brats out there that cannot handle someone thinking differently then they do.....the people who think the world is a great and wonderful place, and they want everyone to be as happy and sickening as they are......well, guess what........not everyone has to think the same way you do.....and in the real world, not everyone is nice, and sweet! i am far from that........and i tell everyone that every day.....but no one listens. "oh ivy, you are funny" " oh, ivy you are sweet" and on and on and on and on......."oh, ivy you should join us" and what do i tell all of you who have said things like that to me??? hmmm??? yup...."you don't know who i am" and you think I'm being cute!  I'm not.....I'm warning you!!!!!

forgotten people

this dear small child died around the age of 8. he was found in a small cemetery in Oklahoma. the cemetery is full of small children just like him, and very few adults. i can only imagine how horrible of a time it was back then to have so many children fall to illness. how very sad. but dear Thomas, it is now over 100 years since you took your last breath on earth, but know that there are still some people who think about you and hope you found peace from such a short life.

there really are people that are beyond stupid!

My little brother turned ummm, i'm 30, so he must be....28?? anyway his birthday was yesterday. and if any of you know us, know that we had a very rough childhood, we had a very abusive father (though we don't call him that....we call him the sperm donor) and it took us years to get over all the abuse he put us through. well, he showed up to my little brother work on his birthday, which totally ruined my brothers day. and come to find out the sperm donors step child (who must be 18-19 years old now) told him where my brother is working. anyway, it really pissed me off. who gives her the right to be so devious and deceitful to tell the sperm donor where any of us work or live....(i however have refused to talk to any of them for many years now)

any way i email her to tell her how wrong that was of her and that she and her family should leave me and my family alone. that we don't want anything to do with them, especially the sperm donor. well, she had turned into the sperm donor over the years, and decided to start making fun of me and my family, and saying that it was funny how they ruined my brothers birthday, and so on and so on. starting saying lies about my husband and on and on and on.....same things the sperm donor would do. you know the drill, calling me fat, saying that my husband is an abuser, and on and on and on....you know how these things can get. so, i finally stopped laughing at her (cause you know it pisses people off more when you laugh at them and not get pissed off at what they say) so i started to ignore her.....yet, i did not know what a persistent little shit she was....so, i took a deep breath and decided that the only way to get her to shut up was to let her know that i'm the one in control, and she was not........

so........this is what i wrote her........(i will not post what she wrote me, it was just stupidity at its best anyway, and i don't want your IQ to go down points just because you had to read her jabber!)



jennifer

it amazes me that all you slum people think you are so much better than every one else. but, when you look at yourself in the mirror, or are totally honest with yourself, you know what a pathetic hard life you lead. that you have made really bad decisions and you don't like where you are headed and what you have done.

to hate someone so much and to make fun of someone in such a fashion as you have, it just proves to everyone else that you are in fact the jealous one. that you know that i am where you will never be and it angers you.

i can see why you are so angry and so jealous of me. but i am just me, and i have worked hard for where i am in life and what i have.

you are upset that your mother went from one abuser to another, and we know this is true, because DHS took all you kids away from them...a smart mother would have dumped the abuser and focused on their children, and not the man in their life. and you know you are going down the same path.

calling someone fat is your way of dealing with your own physical deformation. you have heard it all your life, and you know how much it hurts you, so you think that it may hurt someone else. which in this case, it doesn't, so it angers you even more.

to try and hurt someone by name calling only proves to show that you are in fact an uneducated, narcissistic, gluttonous, oppressor. which you have obviously deemed to be good qualities in life.

to make fun of people being "gay" in fact is a shortcoming on your part, which in fact that you are afraid of who you really are and have "gay" qualities yourself.

to speak of lies, which you have many times, especially about my husband, usually is a sign of you pulling at strings to stir the pot, which in this case has had no effect on me. i know who my husband is, and therefore your lies you speak of never has happened and do not bother me because they never existed.

this only concludes to what we already know, you know kenneth abused you and your mom and sisters, and you hate the fact that he continues still today, even if it is only mentally. and you are envious of me and my siblings and my mother because we were the smart ones to rise above it, and move on with our lives, and you see all of us happy and doing so well for ourselves, that it makes you see red with anger. which i can understand. sometimes life isn't fair. but intelligent people are able to be strong enough to move on, to learn from their past and become stronger and greater. and that is what my brother, my sister and i have done. and we don't need nor want that in our lives again and we are strong enough to voice that! and you cannot because you are stuck and scared.

and you continuing to say things about incest and doing sexual things to parental figures, i have only one thing to ask, were you sexually molested? because you are obsessed with that vision. and perhaps you may need some professional help. if in fact you were, you really should consider help, a lot of the time, the victim becomes the abuser and you have at least one child that i know of, and if would be sad to know that you were harming your own child. with as much anger you have inside of you, you should really seek professional help, before someone gets hurt.